it is 7 hours away from my General Paper A levels paper.
I slept for 2 hours, something woke me up. I guess it is probably nervousness. Most probably excitement from all the things that I am free to do in two weeks. I was reading some articles online, hoping that I'll be more equipped for tmr. But like how I always am, I get a little distracted and actually made a post-As-to-do-list. Now looking at the list, I feel so very excited. I look forward to As - doing my best. And of course, I'm holding my breath, sprinting all the way now.

For I can see the finishing line.

Tightly clenched, the hollow pen
produced nothing but barrenness.
is it the heart? or is it the hand?

so filled with, so full of - callousness.
Like the thirsty desert waiting
patiently for rain. I long for us:

A union where songs can once again sing
inseparable melodies with lyrics,
embedded perfectly like diamond with a ring.

Tears of pangs and heartaches
drizzled out of dreadful desperation.
Water mixing with the pencil-lead flakes;

Sacrificial blood to restore vision,
vainly I stabbed the paper. Desiring to kill,
blight this barrenness for inspiration.

Nothing. Silence. Nothing to feel
except fury due to failed alchemy.
I need this oasis, I plead, I kneel.

-

i bet you that you'll read this now, just because you don't get to read it.

it's like the forbidden fruit syndrome.

i really hope that you'll be too busy to read it tmr and the following days to come.

NYEH.

all my shitty, hidden past. GAH. not for you to know.

*keeps fingers crossed* that all the for my eyes only posts are kept hidden.

Josh, you have to learn how to hate those things that dumb you down or waste your time. Stevie hates the television.

You're not holding on to the passions you have in life hard enough. you're not digging deep enough. and you're struggling with school!

If you listen hard enough you can hear me. If you listen harder you can hear another voice challenging you, "what do you want to do to change the world?"What would i be? What can i do? should i conform to my parent's choices or should i fight to make my own.

i don't even know what i like. okay i do for somethings. but those are more like personal indulgence rather than contributions that can make the world go round with another perspective. it's alright, search for it slowly josh. though there is urgency, don't rush it. you'll find it soon enough. yes i will. keep doing the thing that you enjoy =)

Joshua is reading his history notes on OBL and Al-Qaeda. He wonders and will research later after he's done with this portion of the notes - how hard is it to mastermind the 911 and does the difficulty increase as OBL was 'sitting in Afganistan."

LOL. Afganistan does not pass spell check.

Lord.

Matt 11: 30. i will follow you Lord. i will follow you. take this away from me.

i really need to breathe. Lord help me pass this test of life. You'll give me to me when i'm ready. i trust you. i'll let those without my nature pass me by. Please remember to point it when she's there kay? yes i'll pray for her later. anyway, i really need to start on some revision. hope i can do quite a lot of stuff till about ten then i'll do some Zac Poonen =)

see you later. IN Jesus' precious name. Amen

how have you been? haven't really been talking to you much. besides all my futile if not distracted attempts today, it's been quite awhile yea?

it's 9pm now. i really need to sleep early. haaha i fell asleep listening to the Zac Poonen James sermon yesterday. i really want you in my life. i really want to be like the muslim who found you. i want my life to have such a testimony. Lord i believe that you can use 2nd generation Christians too. i believe that you'll use every willing heart. i pray that you'll help mine to be worthy of your standards.

i know during dinner that i said i would spend some time with you and learn more about you by listening to Zac, but then i really feel that one hour is not enough for my essay. i really want to mug as well. i'll finish my essay, mug a little econs and then listen to Zac and continue or conversation yea?

Lord i understand how it feels to be 'online' all the time, with a whole list of people whom one is empowered to communicate with (Jesus has broken the barrier), yet no one bothers to initiate chats.

give me also the strength to fight the temptation. i declare now as i will always that with You, it is no more a temptation. but my hideous past. In Your mighty name i pray. Amen.

J: this is boring
J: i know it is
J: this is so boring that i'm talking to myself
J: no you're not
J: okay i have to stay focus and make it interesting
J: aaaaaRRRRLLLLLOOOoooowww
J: stop it
J: okay
J: i'm serious
J: yeah.
J: okay good. focus
J: wwwweeeeoeooeoeoeooeoeowwwowowoeoeoeoeoeiiiiii
J: i think i need to get out of here, it's killing me
J: 'I dare you to move'
J: why is this song playing in my head
J: 'won't you break free, break free, get up and dance'
J: shut up joshua, concentrate
J: nyeh.
J: how i wish i have an imaginary friend.
J: you have yourself.
J: like duh i have me. but i still feel bored
J: are you listening properly, i say you have me.
J: yah i know. stop distracting yourself joshua.
J: i'm not a distraction! i'm you!
J: you're weird, joshua
J: i'm not weird you ass.
J: yes yes the bell.
J: okay i later i need to call miss tan, put this in the locker. i'll go to the canteen later.
J: go to the canteen this way! down the library stairs.
J: yeah good idea, faster that way.
J: well done, joshua
J: you're welcome

I've not been having testimonies, good news. I really wished that this can be a blog that inspires everyday life. One that will speak good things of myself.
But there's nothing good to talk about, at least, none that I can see.

I played this song on my mp3 over and over again since 7pm. this is how I feel. I just want time to stop, so that I can rest. Knowing that deadlines don't creep any nearer, and knowing that I haven't been wasting time.

If there is a key, there must be a lock somewhere. If there is a lock, there is definitely something precious hidden in a treasure box.

I forgot my keys home today. I got back at 2100h and then Robs only came back at 0000h with his own set of keys of course. Wasted so much unnecessary time.

I was reminded of my calling, I won't say it in details. But I have the bronze key. If I don't admit that I have this key people will waste more time waiting for another, or waste more time getting to the treasure without the key.

Brothers and sisters in Christ, Paul told Timothy in 1 Tim 4:14, 15 "Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you by prophecy with the laying on of the hands of the eldership. Meditate on these things, give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all."

So, meditate on the prophecy that is given to you. Don't let it go. Pray on it, pray about it, pray that you'll know how to act on it. Just a word of caution, make sure that it's from ELDERSHIP; from an elder whom you can trust and who you trust is in the right doctrine.

*ponders*

Sexy Sally is going to rock Arts Night. Yet at the same time we're going to face strong competition from The Marias.

Haha.. the seeming coherence of band name sounds as if we've collaborated, but we didn't.

anyway yeah. I can't sing rock and roll. I'll be a legend if I can.

this has been a totally unproductive weekend.

i'm focusing on the wrong things!!!!! doing the wrong things. not prioritizing. it frustrates me when i realise my workpile is really accumulating - exponentially.
for example, last week's work was read act one. this week is read the whole book. and here you go movies for mass media (last week), able to write a comprehensive, up-to-date argumentative essay for mass media (this week).

i hope this won't be a bureaucratic, red-tape week again.

let me illustrate to you a prefect red-tape week. monday go ica. took queue, missed out birthcert.(one hour wasted for a two min comment) tues go ica again. ica tells me to come next week. (two hours wasted for a two minutes process) wed send phone for repair. (half and hour wasted for a ten minute collection) thurs collect phone. (one hours wasted for a 10 second collection)
EVERYTHING TAKES TIME. AND THERE IS A QUEUE EVERYTWHERE. thank goodness i didn't fall sick and have to go to polyclinics they have th worst: one hr queue for your doctor, one hr queue for your turn, one hr queue for your MC and another hr queue for your medicine. i'm not surprise if someone suddenly gets heart attack and the nurses saying, "sorry sir, wait your turn." "but i'm having a heartattack!" "it's not my fault, queue up, wrong time, wrong place."

yes this is true. it is easier to die in a hospital for a heartattack than in a crowd. in hospitals, help don't get to you in time. no kidding.

i'm wasting my time again.

i think in pictures. so i'm quite messy but i think fast. pictures of thoughts wondering why i blogged flashed pass my head just now. i don't know why i blog. i'm scared that everyone would know every dark secret of mine (especially my younger brother who reads my blog) at the same time i want to let my thoughts out. but it's not stuff that i want to let the whole world know.

i guess it's time for a blog add change.

the next time it would be anonymous. then there'll be liberation in the air.

i went to church. when i stepped in, i felt God's presence so strong. i almost broke down in tears, i was so moved by the fervent and sincere worship. but i got a little distracted a long the way, nevertheless worship was good.

and i looked through my stuff. i put everything people gave me in the whole year in a shoebox. i felt so love again. sigh, a little sad to see how some of us drifted away/ apart. but i still felt like i've made a phase of someone's life better or more significant =D glad to be part of their lives!

big rocks first!

when you do international history, you'll realise that history is more present, more real and more alive than you think it is dead.

seriously.

all that has happened are all linked.
current systems are improved old systems which have been exhausted of their benefits.
we are all learning; learning how to create better systems for the human world, learning how to fight for our own rights (many of the current systems are Western-power dominated)

i really think that more people should be aware of these issues and we should really see what we do to solve this. it's pretty sad when you read about instances like South Africa having found a cheaper drug to AIDS, specially for their citizens with very lower purchasing power. Yet the WTO (you should know who's behind) 'challenges' it with sanctions under the Dispute Settlement Process on TRIPS - trade related to intellectual property rights.

So it's wrong to save lives now, because we have to protect the creative invention of the drug.

If you can read between that line, you would probably see the horrors of capitalism and the american capitalism where monopolies are protected, whilst people are dying.

What are medicines for saving lives?

nope to the american capitalistic market, it's to make more money.

Even if they have a drug that will cure AIDS, it won't be released.
if they do so, they would run out of money.

birthdays and birthdays. mine's forgotten by most of my friends. 'coz it's during the hols.
i was back in Kuantan, and no one was back yet? will Philip somehow didn't remember.
celebrated it with the family, had a good family time nevertheless. but still it'll be fun having friends to celebrate it with.

looking at how people are 'sabotaged' during their birthdays. the big crowds singing, clapping, cheering. i want a birthday like that.. and i'm suppose to jump into the veejay fountain or let people dunk me. 'coz i won't have th chance anymore. yup too lazy lah.

sighs. part of me desire the limelight, the attention. it is that part of me that want to be a host. =D

the ayesee talentime:
1) band if i can find one
2) original composition with medley with another pop song
3) saxophone solo with piano accompaniment

wooohoo! practice!!

i don't know how people can cope. hmm.. this is weird but as i typed that, some inner voice told me: the more you try to cope, you'll struggle. just manage it with what you have and what you are.

well the voice didn't actually say that in a perfect sentence. the word 'manage' was impressed upon me.

i think this year is the year that i'm suppose to manage

1) time - study
2) time - church commitment
3) time - catching up with friends
4) money

i can't sleep now. with all the work undone. i just can't sleep really.

i might just do research on nocturnal animals later. there is some Christian debate about morning dew, hence the persuasive point for people to wake up early. something about the morning dew having the early birds work less. hmm... interesting. i shall research more about the nocturnal animal kingdom and come back and update you hokay??!

gahh. i'm not sure whether i'll even remember that.

and i need to unpack my stuff fast. i need my space. my room. because i need to find my things.

---------

hokay, i shall summarise history until my brain can't take it anymore.
then i'll organise my pile of GP newspaper cutting.
darn i still have RIGHT WORD to do. (i won't copy the ans behind)
then i'll probably get back to hist or i might just see Batman coming down for breakfast

i was cutting GP articles just now.

it's only the Dec pile =P don't have the november pile.. kind of last min.. but better than nothing. and a lot of thing caught my eye.

1) devpt of ASEAN
2) elections in S. Korea
3) Japan visiting China
4) cars :D
5) music, arts and movies scene in Singapore
6) environment bluff
7) US's elections
8) gadgets and techs
9) CIP (yes believe it or not, i'm hunting for them)

see i'm so distracted. i hear daddy's voice in my head, "You can only focus and do well one thing at a time."
actually i really can testify to that; homework and msn are no-nos.. unless i plan to ignore people, which i really really can't.

i'm starting to 'picture' myself bring the camera around.. recording almost everything i see and do again. i hate it.. i talk as if, i'm registering a blogpost. and i see pictures posted in my blog even before i scavenge for the camera from my bag. scavenge because, though it's week 2 my one-inch file is full. and almost overflowing.

it's so difficult to keep track money daily. i'm religiously clinging it on to life. i must have a better system than doing it at the end of the day. ie predict what i need the next day, or just put in the regular stuff i usually buy.

and i'm suppose to divide my week one's expenses.
1) transport
2) shopping (i shouldn't)
3) debts (crap, phone bill, school fees, sports complex fees.)
4) food
5) entertainment

and i haven't had time to read my bible slowly. i guess i have to resort to daily verse meditation.

arrrggghhh. i had a fun but unproductive weekend. i can so feel/see the work piling up, literally.

home is where you feel most comfortable. friends are those who made you feel comfortable. those that will run to you as if they are going to headbutt you, but they came with open arms and wrap you tight.

i really love veejay. those cheers come from my heart. feels weird when i cheer in the sea, at the back of my mind there would be a voice telling myself that my heart don't belong here and that i'm lying.

yup cowpow i'll work my butts off for my ACES and then hopefully we can be in the same uni... and do as crazy things again =D

like laughing aimlessly. take turns to laugh at the sound of each other's laughter. thanks for laughing at me yahh.

ahh... the feeling of going home... it feel as if it took awhile. it's like after a vacation, or after late night yumchas, the car ride or drive back will be a breeze. i came home today. not the huge and empty hostel, but the cram and cozy shared room.

i so want to tell dad about this. they have been saying that i haven't been sharing much with them. but i'm afraid that he'll think i'm still having too much fun.. or that i should have been in veejay. and then my not-good-enough O lvls and shouldn't-have-lost scholarship might come into the picture again. shall save us that trouble, frustration and nag.

okay back to the econs proposal.